The look of depression…

What does depression look like? Do we still even really know what depression looks like?

When I look in the mirror I don’t think I look depressed, but I don’t normally look in the mirror when I am feeling depressed. When I am feeling depressed, I am usually not doing much of anything. Sleeping is usually what I want to be doing or laying in front of the tv. Rarely do I look at myself in the mirror when I am feeling depressed because I am not going out anywhere, so I don’t need to do my hair.

When it passes is when I look in the mirror. When I am feeling on top of the world. When I finally wake up feeling rested and ready to go. I see my smiling face beaming back at me as I brush my teeth and brush my hair for the first time in days. I take notice of everything as it is happening instead of wanting to shield myself from it all. When the depression passes and I feel good, I can’t help but wonder when will it return and how bad will it be.

Will I be back in bed or back on the couch? Will I ignore my reflection as I pass by the mirror?

Or will it just be all in my head?

Will the world not even know what I am going through inside?

Will the world not even take a second glance at me as I carry on with my life with the weight of depression on my mind?

Because I will carry on with my life. I will wake up in the morning, take care of my daughter, take care of my spouse, take care of the dog, take care of my work, take care of the house, but I won’t take care of me. I'll have enough energy to show everyone else that I am okay because the anxiety won’t let me rest completely. The anxiety will keep me out of bed for fear of explaining to people why I can’t get out of the bed. The anxiety will make me do just enough so that I don’t have to explain to anyone why things aren’t getting done.

But the anxiety won’t give me the energy to take care of myself because I already know about the depression. I already know that I don’t want to do any of those things so I owe myself no explanations. So the depression keeps me from showering and the depression keeps me from eating and the depression keeps me inside my head while the anxiety shows the world that I am taking care of everything on the outside.

And everything on the outside looks fine.